Place In My Head

It's a very dirty place.........

Occam's Razor
I can't even begin to describe my mind right now. I am terrified, hurt, furious, and broken. I don't know what this life is meant for anymore. I don't regret any decisions I have made. I live my life without regret. I am right now single. I have ruined the relationship I have with Lacy and its not coming back unless I change something in me. Is she right that I can't change because this is who I am? Am I really incapable of living in the moment and not taking things so deep? Why is it that I must make life so complicated. Life is a series of events and nothing more. They shouldn't be polluted by convoluted ideas and meanings behind every thing.

What does the flower think of the birds in the trees? Of the breeze? Nothing. The flower exists, and knows its existence in the world. It is not concerned with the birds, or the bees, or the wind in the trees. If the flower can live its life uncomplicated, unobstructed, then what is holding me back. I am more complicated than the flower, yet I am the same. I live, it lives. I will die, and so shall it. I am made of atoms, molecules, and cells just the way it is. Life is too precious of a gift to squander on convolutions and intricacies.

I have to take time to find something in my life each day that I can appreciate for what it is, not what I would have it be. Live in the moment, and experience it for what it is not what I would have it be. I wish to live a simple life. A simple life.............................I wish I knew what that was.

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent.  It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction.  ~E.F. Schumacher

Planet Earth Turns Slowly
              Have you ever thought you had it all figured out? Have you ever thought you were more than you really were? Have you ever been so selfish that you could possibly destroy what matters the most to you? I have. I am.  I say that I am this wonderful person. That I am not a selfish man. That I know how to talk to people. That I am who I think I am. These are all mother fucking lies. I have a tendency to make things about me. Why do I do this? What is it about me that I have to make myself look better than other people? Do I really think I am better than everyone else? Is it that I am so great I have to tear things down? No. Its because I truly think very little of myself. I stutter and say things wrong. I am awkward and I'm selfish. I claim to love all and one in particular but do not show it in a way that others feel how I feel for them. My self image is one of a weak, scared little boy who constantly tries so hard to be this hero that he ends up becoming a monster. I drive the ones I love crazy. I am naive and narrow sighted. My eyes are closed to what I really am deep inside. Deep inside I am the green eyed monster, jealous of everyone's self esteem and how great they are. I feel inadequate in comparison. I am selfish because I want what they have and I go about it in the wrong ways. I'm like a fucking Baptist. I make mountains out of mole hills.
           That is my current curse. I make the smallest things big things. I make vows and promises that I fail to keep because I fall back into the same old fucking ridiculous patterns of behavior. One might think that I am re-evaluating my decision to be a psychologist. Yes I am. If I don't do something about this now, I will cause a reign of terror of my self centered world unlike anything I have ever seen. I can't go on doing this to the person I love most, and to myself. I am killing the best thing that has ever happened to me. She can't even take my promises seriously because of how I am. I will not go on like this. I refuse it. I here and now accept that I may drive her away. I will fight and hope that I can show the me that I want to be. I want to be loving, for her to feel my love fully. I want to be selfless, her needs are more important than my own. I want to cherish her, her hopes and dreams are more precious to me than the most perfect of diamonds. This is what I want.
          WHAT AM I DOING! by writing this I am doing the same thing of which I have condemned myself. I do not know what to do. I don't even believe in a God anymore. I see how things are all too similar for it to matter. This universe tends for itself and the way that things are to be will be. I just need to suck it up and learn to deal with that fact. I will never be able to fix everything. Can we fix this, I would pray to God that yes we can, but he does not exist to me anymore. All I can do is place myself before her and say this.
" The man you fell for and are in love with is here, in me. This shell has consumed him and the monster inside gloats at his victory. I do not ask for forgiveness, or second chances, but that what you feel is right is what I shall do. You mean everything to me, and I love you. I love you more than myself. If i could kill Hysteria in me I would with great relish and anger. He has destroyed me and I fear he comes for you next. I ask that if given this chance I will kill this in me. I ask that if not given this chance, I will always love you, and I always have and always will. I swear on my life, as I stand before you now, that I will be the man that I am meant to be, the man you love."

Let the games begin
It has been forever since I have had a LJ. The last time I can remember writing an entry was when I was a freshman in college. That's been 4 yrs ago. A lot has happened since then. I have graduated from the University of Alabama at Birmingham with a B.S. in Psychology and a minor in chemistry. I've moved to Montgomery, AL and have started my Masters degree in Clinical Psych at Auburn University Montgomery. I've have had some ups and downs relationship wise but I am very much so on the up and up right now. =). I am dating a woman by the name of Lacy McGehee Kantra. She is quite possibly the most interesting, smartest, most amazing person I have ever met. She is the first woman I have ever dated that was smarter than me and I feel like I am a smarter person just by being around her. She makes me a better person, all around. She inspires me to be better mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. And here is the kicker................................SHE IS A NERD just like me! Who knows where this is going to go but I will say this, I have never taken such a risk in my entire life and if I had to go back and do it all again.................this is one risk I would take every single time. Love is worth the risk, because if you don't risk it all now, in the moment on a chance at love, you will lose far more than you ever imagined. Wounds will heal, time will tell but I can look back years from now, and when I am with her for the rest of my life, look her in the eyes and say I love you and the risk was worth it, and still is. 


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